Photo by Kat J on Unsplash

Top 10 tips for helping students with Grief and Loss 

Grief can severely undermine mental health and wellbeing if left unchecked and if you suspect that a student is struggling, what can you do? The following summary will provide you with some tips about how you might approach the situation;

• Awareness: and spotting the signs is the first stage, for example if someone is acting out of character, such as being unusually quiet or not being able to concentrate is often a good indicator something might be wrong albeit they may act as though they are fine.

• Creating Safety: according to Dr Stephen Porges whose work is highlighted in the recent book “Grounded” by Claire Wilson, the one question that is always in the forefront of children’s minds is “Am I safe?” Consequently children (and young adults) need to feel safe, be in a place of safety and trust those people around them before they may open up.

• Re-assurance: having made time and space to create a place of safety, invite the student to stop, chat and perhaps emphasise they’re not in trouble

• Gentle Inquiry: by asking how a student might feel in that moment, creates an opportunity for them to be honest. However, if they say they are fine & their body language suggests otherwise, ask them again, perhaps qualifying it by saying that you have noticed they are not quite as happy as they usually are and you’re wondering why that might be.

• Being empathetic: if a little reticent to speak, perhaps gently suggest that you imagine they may be feeling scared about returning to school, but maybe there is something else that is troubling them and they’d like some help with. If you are aware they may have suffered a loss suggest that as you cannot imagine what they have been through, it would be good to explain how it feels if they can so you can then assist if necessary.

• Stop speaking: to allow them to do speak and explain if they are able.

• Actively Listen: by paying attention to what they are saying and just take in what you hear. If they pause, do not be tempted to jump in unless you are quite sure they have finished speaking. Then it might be good to qualify and check that you have heard correctly before acknowledging what has been said and responding accordingly.

• Support: if you, yourself are unable to offer direct support then it may be good to identify additional assistance and suggest how they may be involved going forward.

• Commitment: once a course of action has been agreed, then it needs to be actioned and take time to help them do this if possible, but it is also important to

• Monitor or check back: as appropriate to ensure that things haven’t gone awry.

Lisa Richards the HearT with EARs 💟

Photo by Timothy Eberly on Unsplash

💟 #9

In praise of………. learning resilience

This morning I received a text that shocked me to me core, with its content sending me right back to being 11 years old; the text concerned my own 11 year old son being mean & unkind to one of his friends to the point where I knew his friend was feeling bullied. Whilst I advised my what he’d done was unacceptable & needed to put things right, all I could think of was being that child my son had been so unkind to & it brought back the painful memories I thought I’d dealt with.

It all started when I started at senior school & having won a scholarship to attend a private girl’s school outside my area. Having tried hard to fit in to this new environment & make friends, I found it hard since many of the girls seemed to know one another already. As I wasn’t very confident in those days, I began to feel like an outsider very quickly.

Within a few weeks, I had been involved in a fight with another girl who had either said something very unkind or taunted me about something which made me see red. In seconds, I found myself punching & kicking her to the ground with such force she quickly conceded. Although I felt pleased that I’d seen off this challenge, the bullying didn’t stop, it merely was delivered in a different form. Indeed it was clear to me that from that moment on, my card was now "marked". I found myself the subject of verbal abuse as well as finding that things would mysteriously go missing from my desk or my bag which I then couldn’t explain.

In the days, weeks & months that followed, I tried to keep my head down & hoped nothing else would happen. Thankfully we didn’t have mobile phones in those days so at least I had some respite until the next day. Fortunately I did manage to make some friends who made the days bearable, but they too were ostracised at times for whatever attribute the bullies felt was unacceptable or different.

Each & every day was a challenge for me, primarily because I kept it to myself, I never told anyone about it, because I felt I had no one to turn to; my Dad was ill with Crohn’s disease & had almost died several times during my life & my Mum was anxious & depressed. In addition, they’d worked hard & sacrificed much to send me to this school to get a good education, how could I possibly tell them how miserable it was for me ?

Recently I heard a presentation given at a TEDx event by a lady Claire Wilson1 who explained that the big question children ask themselves continually without realising it is “am I safe ?” If not, they will go into flight or flight mode as a means of survival which is a  process is known as “neuroception”. When I heard Claire describe it, I felt the tears form & roll down my face as finally it explained why I felt like I couldn’t confide in anyone when being bullied; in essence, I felt that my parents were unavailable & “unsafe” to confide in no matter how much they might have reasoned otherwise ?

Although many years have passed since I attended school I wonder if you can imagine how I felt when I was invited to a school reunion by a friend who as it turned out didn’t go ? Having left school, I swore I’d never go back & give anyone the opportunity to humiliate me like they had all those years ago & yet here I was feeling the tension & apprehension rise within me.

In the end I summoned my courage & decided to go because I was now a different person. I went & had a good time as well as feeling pleased with myself I’d finally conquered my demons & moved on…… that was until I received a message this week of plans for another reunion.

I was shocked, but perhaps not surprised that the same anxious feelings resurfaced with the message & the text that I received this morning. I now know that time does not heal our old wounds, our bodies just supress our painful emotions & our minds look for something to distract ourselves to make ourselves feel better. 

The Grief Recovery Method2 has taught me that such strategies are only ever a short term as the painful feelings don’t go away, they just lay dormant until such times when they re-surface like today. Fortunately for me, I’m now very much aware of this & I count myself lucky to have the tools & the strength to address my fears, but most importantly take the necessary positive action……

Whilst my story may make some people feel uncomfortable, it is not my intention to make anyone feel bad or seek to blame or shame anyone for what happened in the past. I fully accept that those involved may not even know how their actions made me feel & the isolation I felt. This sadly influenced my thoughts to the point where I never felt never good enough which in turn undermined my overall mental health & wellbeing.

For many years my mantra has been “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”

I still believe this to a certain extent having suffered a nervous breakdown after my mother’s failed suicide attempt & the feelings of Imposter Syndrome, the perfectionism, etc. However all of these things make me the person I am today. I now not only “own” these feelings, I’ve decided to talk about them as unless we do, we will still regard difference as being negative & to my mind it is a gift that should be celebrated.

In conclusion, its taken a long time to become emotionally resilient & through the Grief Recovery Method I’m now able to let the pain of my emotions go. Indeed I can at last “feel the fear & do it anyway” as Susan Jeffers book advocates, but in contrast I’m working towards her lesser known book “End the struggle & dance with life”3. I now know that this is where I want to be & the life I want for myself, perhaps you do too ? 💟

References

1. “Grounded: Discovering the Missing Piece in the Puzzle of Children’s Behaviour”, Claire Wilson (2018)

2.“The Grief Recovery Handbook 20^th Anniversary Expanded Edition” John W. James & Russell Friedman (2009) William Morrow; an Imprint of Harper Collins Publisher

3. “End the Struggle & Dance with Life: How to Build Yourself Up when the World Gets you Down” Susan Jeffers (1996) Hodder & Stoughton

 photo by Ian Espinosa www.unsplash

Blog #8

The "Invisibles"

Life after the suicide of someone close to you is one of those things where, perhaps not surprisingly, there seems to be a resistance to accepting what has happened; whilst this may have been labelled by some as “denial”, sadly there is no denying that such an event has taken place & having to live with the consequences of a decision that someone else took.

So what do you do, other than endlessly going around in circles, perhaps trying to fathom out why, as well as what you did or didn’t do, ask yourself the “if only” questions…….. such as if only they’d said something or they’d loved you enough to stay & get through whatever was troubling them ? Sadly you never get answers & so it goes on, day after day with little respite, swirling round inside your head & for me, despite trying to distract myself, it inevitably seeped into my psyche threatening to undermine & define me going forward……  

Trying to break this cycle, & pick up the shattered pieces of your life feels almost impossible especially when there is a huge, person shaped hole left in your life & everywhere you turn there are reminders of that person, a life lost & what could have been. In my case, I just tried to carry on as best I could, quietly struggling inside & suppressing all of my feelings. Despite outwardly giving the impression that all was well, I often felt like I was taking two steps forward three steps back emotionally & eventually the weight of this brought me to an abrupt halt one morning many years later. I broke down unable to carry on & in spite of having suicidal thoughts, I knew that wasn’t the answer. Thankfully I manage to summon up enough courage to ask & get help, although it has been a long road to recovery from the pain of the loss I experienced, I am there albeit there are days when I feel sad, which I now know is normal & natural.

Whilst my experience is no worse than anyone else’s & technically I wasn’t bereaved by suicide, the Mum I knew & loved died in 1986 & never returned, so she died, albeit that I had to then live through her physical departure 25 years later in 2011. The point is that it happened, but officially it didn’t & we as a family were effectively “invisible”, left to our own devices without support even though there wasn’t much of that 30 years ago anyway.

In a world where thankfully we are beginning to talk more about suicide & its prevention, it is not really surprising that no one seems to be aware of or wants to talk about what happens when suicide goes badly wrong. This may be because currently it is difficult to address the current situation of recorded suicides, where on average 17 happen each & every day in England or perhaps because it is so shocking, so distressing, & so difficult to talk about that I would imagine most people want to distance themselves from it as far as possible, me included for a time ! However I now believe it is something we must talk about if we are ever to try to understand & help others who have been affected by suicide, however it touches & affects them, because ultimately it affects everyone in some way.

Consequently I feel compelled to raise & highlight this seemingly “invisible” issue, in the hope that it will help others who may be struggling as well as illustrate that you can learn to not only live, but also be happy, after such a tragic life experience. I have been there & although circumstances will be different for everyone, I imagine the impact to be similarly devastating & I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy.

Blog #7 

Just 20 minutes of your time…..

Imagine I could give you an extra 20 minutes today to do something really worthwhile & if that was possible, what would you do ?

Would you catch up on household chores, pick up & read a book, ring a friend you haven’t spoken to for a while or would you just sit & relax because your life is so busy you would never do this otherwise ? 

Okay if I now told you that by sparing 20 minutes of your time you could learn how to potentially save someone’s life….. what would you say & more importantly would you do it ?

Whilst there are many things we can do to help others, there are perhaps none more simple than sitting & just watching a video https://www.zerosuicidealliance.com/ that might make all the difference between life & death ?

So why am I telling you this ?

Whilst my story is a long one, I will summarise it for you by saying that when I was 19, my mum tried to take her own life with tragic & devastating consequences. As she had been depressed for some time, my family had no idea that she was so desperate or had any plans to end it all. In order to try & lessen the depression & anxieties she experienced, we all did our bit to try & help. Perhaps because we were all so wrapped up in trying to “do the right thing” as well as living our own lives, we never saw any signs that she had decided to end it all until it was too late. On that day the full horror of what my mum had done, hit us like a sledgehammer & unfortunately we never recovered as a family.

What followed sadly was a lot of sadness, heartache & soul searching, as we struggled to come to terms with what happened & because we didn’t know how to deal with it we all carried on. Although my mum didn’t actually die on the day she tried to take her own life, in reality the person I knew & loved disappeared as she damaged her brain to the extent where she couldn’t look after herself. In the end my Dad had to leave work to care for my Mum & tragically she became a living reminder of that day until she eventually & sadly passed away in 2011.

During that time & since, I have continued to experience my own mental health issues & 10 years after my mum’s suicide attempt, I had a nervous breakdown & was shocked to discover that I then had suicidal thoughts. However, even in my darkest hours, I promised myself that no matter how hard or bad things got, I would never try to end it all because I had seen what that could do to my family. Somehow, I summoned the courage to ask for help & little by little, I started the long road to recovery. I have since realised that those suicidal feelings could happen to anyone, albeit they could be fleeting & that is the time when just asking if they are OK or need help could make all the difference. 

Time for Action
Having read & watched videos where people speak about trying to take their own lives, they often say how alone they felt & that no one seemed to care; many also say they didn’t want to die, but felt their families would somehow be “better off” without them.

Whilst I felt isolated for many years & told very few people about what had happened to me & my family, I recently started to talk about my experiences & eventually realised that there are lots of people going through similar situations, TOO many in fact. 

Consequently I now believe that we not only need to talk about this subject more, but also should make it our business to know how to help.

So my message to you is this……. if it were you that were struggling with your own mental health & wellbeing, wouldn’t you be glad that someone had watched this video: https://www.zerosuicidealliance.com/ & cared enough to help you ? Whilst the subject matter may be far from enjoyable, it is so important that we all aware of the signs to look for, so that may be when the time comes we can make a difference & save someone’s life…..

HOW AMAZING is that for just 20 minutes of your time ?       

Blog #6 

CGRS: One year on !

Today, I saw a photo of a group of newly qualified Certified Grief Recovery Specialists & it made me realise that it is now 12 months since I took that first step & trained to become a Specialist.

Many years ago I had promised myself that if I ever managed to get through all the grief & heartache I'd experienced & carried inside throughout my life, I would try to help others do the same because I knew how awful it was to feel so low & desperate,you would try anything just to feel better. So when the opportunity presented itself, I decided to go for it & even though I had doubts, I just felt I had nothing to lose by doing so. That small step was significant & turned out to be one of the best things I have ever done because finally I learnt there is a better way to feel.....  

So what has happened these past 12 months ? 

Well quite simply the Grief Recovery Method has changed my life & now instead of carrying a huge weight of grief around with me 24-7 I have space to let things in that give me pleasure & joy; but even more than that, Grief Recovery opened up my whole world in ways I could never have imagined a year ago. I can say truly say that it has been fun, exciting & has made me want to do even more. Now rather than regretting all of those years I spent not being happy, I feel like I have been given a new lease of life & want to share the "gift" I have been given with others. 

Particular highlights have been;

• meeting lots of lovely people through Grief Recovery & Access Consciousness.
• learning about Access Consciousness & having my Bars run for the very first time which I can thoroughly recommend !
• appearing in Good Housekeeping magazine earlier this year to tell my story to raise awareness of Grief Recovery UK
• Starting to become more social media savvy & setting up "Scratch", my own blog to record my journey as a certified Grief Recovery Specialist. 
• reconnecting with people I have lost touch with but have found once again through social media
• Practicing the Grief Recovery Programmes with the help & support of Ben Calder at the Centre for Integral Health, Shrewsbury. Thanks Ben !
• Receiving testimonials back from grievers I have helped & seeing them being able to move on with their lives. 

But has it all been plain sailing ?

Whilst I decided to do Grief Recovery Method because I felt like I had nothing to lose, I must admit that going through the process wasn't easy, because it means recognising there is a problem & confronting some feelings you may have worked hard to escape from which can be tough. Consequently, it may be that some grievers need to summon up a little courage as well as trusting the process to work which can also be hard when you don't know what is going to happen. That said once you realise that our society has been given the wrong tools to deal with loss & grief, both of which are normal & natural, it is then possible to see a light in the distance. However it is clear to me that whilst many people I have talked to throughout the year recognise how much grief can affect their overall mental health & well being, most feel uncomfortable & stuck when it comes to the subject of grief; indeed I convinced myself at times that I didn't want to go there for fear of opening up a whole Pandora's box of emotions, but now that I have, I realise how important it is to talk about this sort of stuff. I would recommend this to anyone because grief recovery really offers you an alternative from feeling stuck & not able to move on with your life; the question is, are you willing to take that first step ?   

So what now ?
Having learnt the process of Grief Recovery a year ago, it is something that I have worked through many times to recover from a multitude of losses I have experienced during my life. At the current time of writing, I find myself at a "cross roads" with my career & wonder whether I want to continue with my job because all the hopes, dreams & expectations I once had have now gone & things have changed to the point where I can't continue any longer. I find myself grieving for what might have been & so have decided to use Grief Recovery to help me through this & essentially move on, whether this will be with my current employer or with another or even striking out on my own.... ? Whilst I fear the unknown, I'm also excited by the prospect of a new challenge.....

So watch this space to see what happens, but for now let me end by saying a few thank you's; to Carole Henderson, Phyl Edmonds who work tirelessly promoting Grief Recovery UK & training Specialists up & down the country as well as providing a sympathetic ear & sounding board when you have an issue you can't quite see your way around ! A further vote of thanks also goes to all the ladies in the Grief Recovery office, the group of ladies I qualified (pictured above) with including Karen & the two Di's from the Isle of Man who have all given me great encouragement & support, but the last thank you has to go to John W. James & Russell Friedman for their work in bringing together the Grief Recovery Handbook and without which I wouldn't be doing any of this. I can only imagine how many people it has helped already & how many more it will help in the future, so a sincere & heartfelt thank you from me. 

Until the next time.... look after yourself...... x  

Scratch #5 My Dad remembered.....

but never forgotten

Today 1st July would have been my Dad's birthday which co-incidentally would have also been Princess Diana's & whilst neither of them are still alive, neither of them are forgotten & occupy a place in my heart for different reasons..... 

Whilst Diana was a beautiful & inspiring lady, whose actions changed the way the world thought about issues like Aids, un-exploded land mines & mental health issues, my Dad was essentially just an ordinary guy, who may not have changed the world, but he made my world & all that went with it, so this is a little tribute to him from me.....

Although I am guessing everyone who loves their Dad thinks they are the greatest father, I know my Dad was far from perfect, he was obsessed by roads & road maps, he often lacked emotional intelligence & never failed to make fun of the music I was into as a teenager. In spite of this, he was a caring Dad who was always there with words of wisdom & a hug when I needed it, even though he was brought up in an environment where personal displays of affection didn't happen. His passion for life was awesome & he taught me never to give up even when things seem difficult or even impossible. 

Throughout his life my Dad was seriously ill, to the extent where several times, I truly believed he was going to die, most notably on his 71st birthday. Earlier that year, he had been diagnosed with cancer & having had a course of chemo he had reacted so badly that he was subsequently rushed into hospital. On that birthday, I went to visit & cheer him up by taking cards & gifts, but he could hardly speak & I truly thought it was going to be his last. Yet, somehow he got through it & never complained or made a fuss about his illness, plus he always tried to remain cheerful & positive talking about what he was going to do when he got out of hospital & how much he was looking forward to doing so. 

Perhaps because of his illnesses, Dad had always led a full & active life wherever possible since he appreciated the value of having his health & time to enjoy it. In his earlier years, he was a gymnast as well as enjoying playing cricket & football, then later he became a keen gardener. However one of his greatest passions was drawing & later painting. Whilst in hospital, he started to sketch whatever he saw around him, not only to keep him occupied during his treatment & hospital visits, but also as he was still keen to observe & learn about the world around him. The sketch books he left me are amazing & I am glad he used the time he had, not only do something creative, but something that really gave him pleasure.

This was a skill he came back to later on in life when he retired through ill health & also to look after my Mum. During this time, he used what little free time he had to go out into the local area to sketch, as well as taking photographs & teach himself how to paint in watercolour. However he never rested on his laurels, enrolling in classes with painters he admired & was eager to learn more about how to paint first in watercolour, then oils, as well as sketch in pastels & charcoal. Later started running his own classes & getting involved in the art world locally, giving others the benefit of what he had learnt as well as sharing his love for drawing & painting. To me, he showed what you could achieve when you had passion for something & channelled it into helping others develop their talents & interests. In addition & more significantly, I liked the fact that he wasn't afraid to admit when he didn't know something & was always prepared to try something new.

My Dad said that he never had a dull day once he had retired because of his interests & whilst he left work because of his health, he also took a brave decision that not many other men would take. He decided to leave work to care for his wife, my Mum, who was unable to take care of herself, suffered with brain damage after trying to take her own life. Rather than putting her into a care home & having an "easier" life, he told me he wanted to be with her whatever the situation, to care for her & look after her as she had done for him when he had been ill. His loyalty & love for my mum is something that I admire so much & felt honoured to have witnessed, even if I didn't agree with or understand it at the time. Towards the end, when he became too ill & was forced to have her taken into care, I know he felt so guilty, even though he gave her a quality of life that she wouldn't have had otherwise. 

Whilst I am sad that Dad is no longer with me to see my son, his grandson, grow up & hasn't been for some time now, after 5 years of grieving I realised that Dad wouldn't want me to mark every birthday or the anniversary of his death with sorrow & grief, so I made up my mind to smile & be happy he was my Dad & that I was lucky enough to have him in my life. Then last year having gone through Grief Recovery, I moved on so that I can now speak about my Dad without being upset, so i can remember all the good times & some of the bad ones, without the pain, guilt & grief that I suffered from for many years. So when I think of him now which may be because I hear a song on the radio he liked or see the irises he gave me bloom in the garden or catching a glimpse of his photo or one of his paintings in my house, I do miss him, but I know that he is all around & very much a part of me so I will never lose him or my precious memories of him.

Towards the end of his life, I realised that he was not going to make it this time & so I tried to spend every free minute I could with him, just being there & letting him see his beautiful grandson as much as possible. Once he knew he was going to die, Dad decided to spend what time he had at home being looked after by his two sisters who made his last days as comfortable as possible. Then that fateful day i got the call that he had been rushed to hospital & I thought I wouldn't make it before he passed away, but somehow he hung on to see me & I was there when he draw his last breath having told him how much I loved him. 

A year later, my brother & I took his ashes to Skye & two years later we returned to take Mum, so they could be together in such a special & beautiful place. I know that all Dad wanted was for me to be happy & I am, so he did a good job of getting me started & if I can have some of the passion that he had for the things in his life, may be my life could be as "rich" as his..... I do hope so ? 

So thank you Dad & "Happy Birthday" to you if you are looking down on me today, I think I turned out okay, thanks to you....... oh & before I go I have a little gift for you from your Grandson who seems to have inherited some of your talent I think ?

Thanks for reading this & please leave me a comment if you wish ?

Scratch #4: What Grief Recovery has done for me 

Over the last few months, I have become aware how much I have changed as a person having worked through & completed the Grief Recovery Method last year & this blog is really a way of recording that journey, with this latest post being one where I have tried something a bit different. 

I started doodling having been inspired by a lovely lady called Mari Andrew who is a writer and illustrator currently living in New York City, New York. She caught my attention several months ago because her career started as a hobby in 2015 whilst recovering from a painful break-up and the death of her father. She started doodling to express how she was feeling & then decided to post one doodle every day on Instagram. She now has a website (see below for more details) & has a following all over the world including myself....... so "Thank you Mari" for your work & this is my homage to you for inspiring me to do a little doodle of my own......  

It has taken me a while to collect my thoughts & try to think of a way of not only capturing, but expressing them in a way that conveys my feelings. I am hoping the positive aspects of what I've come up with are apparent & feel they are better reflected in this doodle than merely writing them down individually.... but you tell me ? 

In essence, by letting go of my pain through Grief Recovery, it has now literally created the space for other things to come into my life, much more positive & joyful stuff. This ranges from trying new things such as having my "Bars run" through Access Consciousness (see website link below for further details) to seeing opportunities that may be were always there, but I was too "blind" to see them ? 

Grief Recovery has also changed my mind set to see that anything is possible, if you are "open" to it. So thank you to those people who gave me their support & helped me to see that there is a different way to feel if only you have the courage to take that first step ! 

Until the next time......💗


For further information please see the following websites;
Mari Andrew: bymariandrew.com/
Grief Recovery Method: https://www.griefrecoverymethod.co.uk/
Access Consciousness: https://www.accessconsciousness.com/