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| Photo by Timothy Eberly on Unsplash |
💟 #9
In praise of………. learning resilience
This morning I received a text that shocked me to me core,
with its content sending me right back to being 11 years old; the text
concerned my own 11 year old son being mean & unkind to one of his friends
to the point where I knew his friend was feeling bullied. Whilst I advised my what he’d done was unacceptable & needed to put things right, all I could think of was being that
child my son had been so unkind to & it brought back the painful memories I
thought I’d dealt with.
It all started when I started at senior school & having
won a scholarship to attend a private girl’s school outside my area. Having
tried hard to fit in to this new environment & make friends, I found it hard
since many of the girls seemed to know one another already. As I
wasn’t very confident in those days, I began to feel like an outsider very
quickly.
Within a few weeks, I had been involved in a fight
with another girl who had either said something very unkind or taunted me about
something which made me see red. In seconds, I found myself punching &
kicking her to the ground with such force she quickly conceded. Although I
felt pleased that I’d seen off this challenge, the bullying didn’t stop, it merely
was delivered in a different form. Indeed it was clear to me that from that
moment on, my card was now "marked". I found myself the subject of verbal
abuse as well as finding that things would mysteriously go missing from my desk
or my bag which I then couldn’t explain.
In the days, weeks & months that followed, I tried to
keep my head down & hoped nothing else would happen. Thankfully we didn’t
have mobile phones in those days so at least I had some respite until the next
day. Fortunately I did manage to make some friends who made the days bearable,
but they too were ostracised at times for whatever attribute the bullies felt
was unacceptable or different.
Each & every day was a challenge for me, primarily
because I kept it to myself, I never told anyone about it, because I felt I had
no one to turn to; my Dad was ill with Crohn’s disease & had almost died
several times during my life & my Mum was anxious
& depressed. In addition, they’d worked hard & sacrificed much to send
me to this school to get a good education, how could I possibly tell them
how miserable it was for me ?
Recently I heard a presentation given at a TEDx event by a
lady Claire Wilson1 who explained that the big question children ask
themselves continually without realising it is “am I safe ?” If not, they will
go into flight or flight mode as a means of survival which is a process is known as “neuroception”. When I heard Claire describe it, I felt the tears form & roll down my
face as finally it explained why I felt like I couldn’t confide in anyone when
being bullied; in essence, I felt that my parents were unavailable & “unsafe”
to confide in no matter how much they might have reasoned otherwise ?
Although many years have passed since I attended school I
wonder if you can imagine how I felt when I was invited to a school reunion by
a friend who as it turned out didn’t go ? Having left school, I swore I’d never
go back & give anyone the opportunity to humiliate me like they had all
those years ago & yet here I was feeling the tension & apprehension
rise within me.
In the end I summoned my courage & decided to go because I was now a different person. I went & had a good time as well as feeling pleased
with myself I’d finally conquered my demons & moved on…… that was
until I received a message this week of plans for another reunion.
I was shocked, but perhaps not surprised that the same anxious
feelings resurfaced with the message & the text that I received this
morning. I now know that time does not heal our old wounds, our bodies
just supress our painful emotions & our minds look for something to distract
ourselves to make ourselves feel better.
The Grief Recovery Method2 has taught me that such strategies
are only ever a short term as the painful feelings don’t go away, they just lay
dormant until such times when they re-surface like today. Fortunately for me, I’m now very much aware of this & I
count myself lucky to have the tools & the strength to address my fears,
but most importantly take the necessary positive action……
Whilst my story may make some people feel uncomfortable, it
is not my intention to make anyone feel bad or seek to blame or shame anyone
for what happened in the past. I fully accept that those involved may
not even know how their actions made me feel & the isolation I felt. This
sadly influenced my thoughts to the point where I never felt never good enough
which in turn undermined my overall mental health & wellbeing.
For many years my mantra has been “what doesn’t kill you
makes you stronger”
I still believe this to a certain extent having suffered a nervous breakdown after my mother’s failed suicide attempt & the feelings of
Imposter Syndrome, the perfectionism, etc. However all of these things make me the
person I am today. I now not only “own” these feelings, I’ve decided to
talk about them as unless we do, we will still regard difference as being
negative & to my mind it is a gift that should be celebrated.
In conclusion, its taken a long time to become emotionally
resilient & through the Grief Recovery Method I’m now able to let the pain
of my emotions go. Indeed I can at last “feel the fear & do it anyway” as
Susan Jeffers book advocates, but in contrast I’m working towards her lesser
known book “End the struggle & dance with life”3. I now
know that this is where I want to be & the life I want for myself, perhaps
you do too ? 💟
References
1. “Grounded: Discovering the Missing Piece in
the Puzzle of Children’s Behaviour”, Claire Wilson (2018)
2.“The
Grief Recovery Handbook 20th Anniversary Expanded Edition” John W.
James & Russell Friedman (2009) William Morrow; an Imprint of Harper
Collins Publisher
3. “End
the Struggle & Dance with Life: How to Build Yourself Up when the World
Gets you Down” Susan Jeffers (1996) Hodder & Stoughton
