photo by Ian Espinosa www.unsplash
Blog #8
The "Invisibles"
Life after
the suicide of someone close to you is one of those things where, perhaps not
surprisingly, there seems to be a resistance to accepting what has happened;
whilst this may have been labelled by some as “denial”, sadly there is no denying
that such an event has taken place & having to live with the consequences
of a decision that someone else took.
So what do
you do, other than endlessly going around in circles, perhaps trying to fathom
out why, as well as what you did or didn’t do, ask yourself the “if only”
questions…….. such as if only they’d said something or they’d loved you enough
to stay & get through whatever was troubling them ? Sadly you never get
answers & so it goes on, day after day with little respite, swirling round
inside your head & for me, despite trying to distract myself, it inevitably
seeped into my psyche threatening to undermine & define me going forward……
Trying to break
this cycle, & pick up the shattered pieces of your life feels almost
impossible especially when there is a huge, person shaped hole left in your
life & everywhere you turn there are reminders of that person, a life lost
& what could have been. In my case, I just tried to carry on as best I
could, quietly struggling inside & suppressing all of my feelings. Despite
outwardly giving the impression that all was well, I often felt like I was taking
two steps forward three steps back emotionally & eventually the weight of
this brought me to an abrupt halt one morning many years later. I broke down
unable to carry on & in spite of having suicidal thoughts, I knew that
wasn’t the answer. Thankfully I manage to summon up enough courage to ask &
get help, although it has been a long road to recovery from the pain of the
loss I experienced, I am there albeit there are days when I feel sad, which I
now know is normal & natural.
Whilst my
experience is no worse than anyone else’s & technically I wasn’t bereaved
by suicide, the Mum I knew & loved died in 1986 & never returned, so she
died, albeit that I had to then live through her physical departure 25 years
later in 2011. The point is that it happened, but officially it didn’t & we
as a family were effectively “invisible”, left to our own devices without support
even though there wasn’t much of that 30 years ago anyway.
In a world where
thankfully we are beginning to talk more about suicide & its prevention, it
is not really surprising that no one seems to be aware of or wants to talk
about what happens when suicide goes badly wrong. This may be because currently
it is difficult to address the current situation of recorded suicides, where on
average 17 happen each & every day in England or perhaps because it is so
shocking, so distressing, & so difficult to talk about that I would imagine
most people want to distance themselves from it as far as possible, me included
for a time ! However I now believe it is something we must talk about if we are
ever to try to understand & help others who have been affected by suicide, however
it touches & affects them, because ultimately it affects everyone in some
way.
Consequently
I feel compelled to raise & highlight this seemingly “invisible” issue, in
the hope that it will help others who may be struggling as well as illustrate
that you can learn to not only live, but also be happy, after such a tragic
life experience. I have been there & although circumstances will be
different for everyone, I imagine the impact to be similarly devastating &
I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy.
