HearT

Scratch #3: Scratching the Surface

For many years I lived my life with my feelings kept hidden away from all but my closest friends, however throughout that time, I very much felt that these emotions were very near the surface & could easily be revealed, if I didn't make a conscious effort to hold things together. Nevertheless, it would appear that I did a pretty good job at keeping these feelings contained, because when my story appeared in a national magazine a few weeks back, many of the comments I got from people who knew me was that they had little or no idea how much I was in pain & hurting during this time. 

So what happened to cause these painful feelings to appear ?

In 1986, my mum decided to try & take her own life with tragic consequences. Whilst she had been clinically depressed for some time, this turn of events came completely out of the blue. How long she had been considering such a plan & how long it had taken her to work out a way of doing it, I have absolutely no idea, but I am fairly certain she meant to do it. This is because she had gathered family photos from around the house & placed them where she could see before quietly slipping away... 

I can only imagine that in her mind, the pills she took plus the bottle of gin she washed it down with may have been the "perfect" way to end it all, slowly drifting into unconsciousness before sadly passing away, but unfortunately her plan wasn't quite as "perfect" as she had imagined it to be. Having been discovered, rushed to hospital, & revived several times along the way, she remained alive. All might have been well, except for the fact that the combination of pills & alcohol she took damaged her brain, to the point where was tragically unable to look after herself. Whilst the doctor's advised that my mum could snap out of this state at any time, this never happened except for a 5 minute period I witnessed before she actually passed away some 30 years later.

So what effect did this have going forward ?

Not surprisingly, my world & that of my family's fell apart on that day & it was never the same again. To make matters worse, no one really spoke about mum's suicide attempt, or what might have caused it, such was the stigma of mental health in those days. However because my mum remained alive, the whole episode probably wasn't regarded as being a "grief" event, as she was still living & breathing, so those around us perhaps wrongly assumed everything would be okay, but how could it ? My mum wasn't the same as she had been before; whilst she physically looked like she had albeit her hair had turned white, the person I knew & loved had gone. To me, she had died that day & whilst it sounds cruel, I wished she had, because I imagined it couldn't be worse than the situation we were then faced with, having to looking after someone who had previously looked after us. 

Consequently our family carried on with life as best they could, dealing with the practical issues of the day like what we were having for tea, probably because we didn't know what else to do. Whilst I tried to discuss the situation with my Dad & brother neither of them really wanted to talk about it & so eventually I gave up trying because it made me feel like I was going mad. However bottling things up only made things worse & after 10 years the enormity of what had happened suddenly overwhelmed me & I had a nervous breakdown. 

When I look back at that time now, I realise now that I had withdrawn from fully participating in life, not letting anyone close, as I had been badly hurt by someone who I loved & trusted, so how could I trust anyone else ? As part of my treatment for my breakdown, I started an art therapy class to try & reflect the thoughts I was having which were difficult for me to express verbally. I remember one picture I painted very clearly, it was of me staring out through a window at what I thought & portrayed as a "happy" life. When I described it later, it was about me staring out & longing to participate in the world beyond, but somehow not being able to do so because of the glass in front of me. The bitter irony was that I had erected this barrier to protect myself, but in so doing had distanced myself from reality; whilst I wanted it to be different, I didn't really know how to break the glass & free myself, I was stuck. However what I did resolve to do was to find a way & come through it & promised myself that my experiences wouldn't define or break me, which was ultimately the driver that kept me going......

So what did I do ?

Initially & perhaps unconsciously I tried to “replace my loss” by effectively becoming a cuckoo, so I sought out other people's mothers effectively to "adopt" me, such as my aunt in Australia, who I wrote & poured my heart out to & my best friend’s mum who sometimes affectionately refers to me as her 4^th daughter. Fortunately for me, all of them embraced this potential imposition & gave me lots of help & support over the years. I am truly grateful to have them in my life, but I have since come to realise that their presence was a way of filling the void where my mum should have been.

I also focused on “keeping busy” trying various things that I thought might bring me the joy I was missing & so I tried retail therapy, eating out, drinking cocktails, seeking out new & potentially dangerous sports like asbseiling, microlight flying, diving, climbing, & water skiing, etc. Inevitably, whilst these things were fun at the time, I didn’t continue with any of them because they were more of a novelty than anything else & as I have since learnt they were just distractions to try & ease the pain I felt.

Then there were the holidays abroad, which I focused more & more on as time went by, mainly because they represented an escape from everyday life, a prospect far more exciting, if a little scary at times. However when I went round the world for a month, I found myself alone for long periods which gave me time to think & then it really hit me that I couldn’t escape from these painful feelings because they were inside & I carried them with me wherever I went. So what next ? 

A Quick Fix: The Self Help Era

Over the years, I have to confess that I have become a bit of a junkie for all sort of complementary therapies as well as reading any self help books going, with "Feel the Fear & Do it Anyway" by Susan Jeffers being the one that most clearly sticks in my mind. However self help books are no good unless you take positive action & I always seemed to skip over the those bits because they were too hard ! So in effect the self help was just a bit of a sticking plaster over the gaping scar I had. 

So whilst all of the following did help in one way or another, the effects were not as long lasting as I'd hoped & none helped me let go of the pain I carried with me; these are just a few of the things I tried, exercise, seeing counsellors, learning about Buddhism, paying for various complementary therapies & taking up meditation & mindfulness. As time went on, I really began to despair & give up hope of ever being truly happy & being free of the feelings that weighed me down, but then thankfully I found Grief Recovery.

Although it has taken me a long time to find it, words cannot really express what a revelation the Grief Recovery Method is & how much of a difference it has made to me & my family going forward, but I will try ! Finally all the pain & guilt I have carried around with me for so long & has been such a part of my life, influencing the way I think or react to things, has now fallen away leaving me with the memories without the suffering. I can now acknowledge & talk about my experiences openly without getting upset & emotional, something that previously would have been impossible with friends or family. After all this time, the pane of glass that separated me from the life I wanted, but never could never seem to reach has now shattered & it feels good.

Regrets ?

So far from feeling regret about the last 30 years of my life, I feel a real sense of joy, contentment & peace as I look forward to the future. Whilst the tragic circumstances I experienced are etched into my very being, I now regard them more as scratches that remind me of what happened & the person I once was rather than the one I am now. I have often quoted the phrase "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger" & I truly believe it, because somewhere I have found the strength, (with alot of help & support) to feel better & move forward. I believe that I have grown because of these experiences, as well as developing a greater sense of awareness, insight & real compassion that I may not have had otherwise. Whilst I wouldn’t have chosen to walk this path, it has led me to a place where I feel comfortable enough to look back with a smile on my face, because I'm free of the grief that threatened to engulf me.   

So what now ? 

For so long I have lived a big part of my life with a big part of me hidden away under the surface & now that this has gone, it has left a large "hole" in my life which isn't a loss that I am sad about. What is does give me is the opportunity to enjoy filling it with new things that will hopefully enrich my life & I now have a new found energy to do it as I don't have to waste effort keeping all of my feelings hidden away inside. This blog site has already expressed one of the new things I have done & enjoyed which is having my "Bars Run" (see Scratch #2 for further details of this & who to contact) & I am hopeful that will also open me up to my possibilities going forward.  

So if you do decide to scratch the surface & see what is beneath, there is now a way to heal & let go of the pain, so whilst I will inevitably suffer more losses in my life because everyone does, at least I now have a way of dealing with that when the time comes. For the time being I want to live & enjoy every minute I have going forward & share that with my family & friends. I have also been given a precious gift that I feel compelled to share with anyone who will listen & might be open to this process. This is primarily why I have started this blog & decided to run a Grief Recovery Group pilot (details below) because I know these things could help others & open up a whole new world of possibilities if they took courage & scratched the surface.........

Until the next time........be kind to yourselves......💗

Grief Recovery Pilot Programme: Starts Friday 9th March at 10 - 12 at the Centre for Integral Health, The Old School, 4 St. Austins Friars, Shrewsbury, SY1 1RY. 

It will run for a total of 8 weeks, which are mainly consecutive dates apart from Easter & a one other date the room is booked out. The dates area as follows;

March: 9th, 16th & 23rd

April: 6th,13th & 27th

May: 4th & 11th 

The cost of the course is £100 & covers all 8 sessions (2 hours each) a copy of the Grief Recovery Handbook & any other materials e.g. photocopying as there are "gap tasks" to complete between sessions. If you would like to join the programme please contact me on 07762 615277